Hold it! Before you read today’s post, go back and read yesterday’s postI’ll wait.

You’re really going through with this? Fine, I wash my hands…this is all self-inflicted from here.

The coming of the new year is a time for resolutions for most of us, even if we don’t always call them that.

It’s no different for me. I don’t like to think of things as “resolutions” because it seems to grant unnecessary importance to an arbitrary day on the calendar simply because it is the demarcation of one year to the next (as if the “resolution” wouldn’t have been just as meaningful on December 30th or January 4th).

Each year, though, about this time, I get to wondering if I should date. Not date more…just actually go out on a date.

One thing leads to another and the inevitable arrives: how to find such a date.

I have friends who occasionally suggest to me a woman they think would be a good “fit”, so there’s that. And, of course, there’s online dating.

My problem is I’m a great liar at everything but when I’m with a woman. Relatives excluded.

Oh yeah, I lie all the time. It keeps people happy and me sane. Outwardly, at least.

But, when I’m attempting social interaction with a woman, I’m no man of mystery. I am a woman’s worst nightmare: a man who is open and honest.


Being single my entire life, I’ve spent most of that time watching other people around me who are in (or trying to be in) relationships. If there’s one thing I’ve noticed almost universally it’s that lack of honesty is not what kills relationships, honesty is.

I’ve seen relationships last for decades based on people hiding their feelings; one side shrugging their shoulders and deciding to move on rather than bring up a “touchy” subject. I’ve seen it happen from both sides of the same relationship.

I’ve also watched people tell each other the truth, either about what they did or what they feel. Regardless of whether the other person had a clue or not, the revelation usually proves, at the minimum, cause for great distress and, obviously, at its nadir, an ending to the relationship.

So, it was my thinking that I should never hold anything back when entering into any possible romantic adventure. I mean, if there was no truth to hide, then there could never be a reason for a break-up.

Which, of course, was silly, because no one expects someone to be just honest from the start. There’s the “game face” for the first date and then the cautious and judicious release of bits of information and, likely, never true full honesty. I mean, who does that?

Which makes me reluctant to go out on a date with someone my friends know. I would feel bad when their friend goes back to them and demands to know what they were thinking when they suggested me.

That only leaves online dating. Bleh.

I’ve tested the online waters once or twice, though never enthusiastically. In fact, I can safely say that I’ve done everything I can to ensure my online profile is as repelling as possible. In other words, I am totally open and honest.

So, for amusement’s sake (and to punish anyone who is actually reading this), I present a sample online profile, designed during this typing:



You’ve somehow chosen to look at my profile, which, if nothing else, I hope will be a unique experience for you.

I’ve organized it in two easy sections: things that would drive you away or make you go “eww” and things that might make me less unattractive than others on this site. Let’s dive right in to the bad stuff!

– I’ve been single for 30+ years with darn few dates over that time and only one true relationship (relatively recently) which ended fatally.

– I’m intrigued enough by online dating to post a profile may be too cheap to pay for the right to talk with you.

– I don’t smoke, dance or drink, so not only will I be a bore at nightclubs but I’ll have no ability to gallantly order the correct alcoholic beverage for you.

– I’m seriously averse to cold and have to bundle up like the Michelin Man anytime I go north of Orlando.

– I’m socially awkward with strangers, but, conversely, once you get me started talking, it’s tough to shut me up again.

– I’m a neatnik, in that I like things put away (dishes out of the sink, clothes in baskets) but I despise cleaning with all my heart.

– I’m painfully slow at relationships; while others are rounding second, I’m still tying my shoelaces in the on deck circle (there should always be a sports reference in every man’s profile).

– I prefer to be fully transparent and honest…about everything.


Ha! Sure, like you want to go out with THAT guy. Well, I do have some redeeming qualities:

– I prefer to be fully transparent and honest…about everything.

– Although I’m a world-class talker, I’m a practiced and patient listener.

– I enjoy creativity and being creative. I like to draw, have written three books and run a website where I blog on most weekdays about stuff.

– I like being in the kitchen cooking (but not the clean-up!) and host two big parties a year where I try to trot out new experiments I can test on friends and family.

– I believe we live in a world filled with natural beauty and wonder that far outshines any man-made creation and is a source of constant enjoyment for me.

– I also believe that enjoyment is redoubled when shared.

– I think that people are all basically good, want to do good and too often underestimate themselves and what they mean to those around them.

– I’ve managed to create a modest and secure life, emotionally and financially, with wealth measured as much in a safe retirement as in the leisurely comfort of simply living within my skin.

And there you go, we’ve basically got the first two dates out of the way, so we can probably get straight to necking (do they still use that term?) as soon as we meet. If I’m not still tying my shoes, that is.

One last note. Many friends and family members say I would be a good catch. Based on the lists above, I’m not sure I agree.

Here’s the choice you face after reading this profile: one of those two assessments is accurate and even if they’re right, you might still have to convince me. Are you sure that’s a challenge you want to take on?

Thanks for reading, I’m flattered by your interest, even if it was nothing more than not being able to look away from a train wreck!


Waddya think? Gonna get me a lot of hits? Or should I go with another “resolution”? It’s possible I may be unmatchable.


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