Right after I get through telling you my rules for the road, I have to admit to you (and myself) that some rules may not be made to be broken, but broken they may be after all.
I’ll be spending a lot of miles on the road in my car and Coca Cola and water will only take me so far. At some point, I’m going to have to go junky.
In honor of that inevitability, here’s a short list of my soon-to-be traveling companions. Since it’s a rare trip, I think it’s good that I include some equally rare (or at least, infrequent) choices:
This is the easy one. I mean, when doesn’t a little chewing gum go a long way (and I’m going nowhere if not a long way)? My primary choices are the classic Dubble Bubble bubble gum, an old favorite in fruit Chiclets and my personal favorite, the 30-second sour blast of Fruit Stripe (featuring Stripey!).
I won’t have enough time or flexibility to apply the tattoos while driving, but that will probably be better for me not to get stopped at the border as some sort of weird gang member (the green zebra gang?).
Lots of choices here, but again, going with old faves and classics, we’ve got the long-lasting Sugar Daddy, the pop-in-the mouth favorite of French Burnt Peanuts and the old-reliable (kept in the mini-cooler), Chunky.
Of the three, the Chunky is most problematical, because I usually break off the little squares and eat them one at a time, but that takes two hands. Being a normal human biped, I am not sure how to adequately drive my car without the use of at least one hand (especially on the highways).
Either way, here is where we start getting more messy, either on my shirt or on my seats. Care must be exercised in the crumbly, peanut-based choices.
Relax, it’s not all bad. I’ll be keeping some healthy stuff like cut carrots and grapes in the mini-cooler so my annual physical (timed terribly for right after my return) won’t be a total horror show, but my experience is that sugary and bad-for-me stuff is more effective on long drives than, say, mineral water and granola bars (ugh), so it’s likely some peanut butter crackers or snack-size chip bags will make it to the front seat with me.
And, considering the time of year my Great North American Baseball Road Trip takes place, you must also see why all my junk has to be out of the trunk.