Miss Communication





Miss Communication

She’s back and she’s still fixated on crime and criminals.  This time, read some tidbits from random probation reports:

Mr. Jones advised he was not able to report to the probation officer as his wife was pregnant and began to have contraptions.

He just thought of it on the sperm of the moment.

He was hospitalized because he had eucalyptus fits.

Lady answering door to probation officer stated she was related to the probationer by murder. (The lady was the victim’s sister)

My wife came and got the kids.  She had a writ of hideous corpus.

When asked if he had siblings, the probationer responded that he did not and that, in fact, he had never had any kind of social disease.

In describing the sequence of events prior to the robbery, the defendant stated the three men got together in an alley and circumcised their watches.

Probationer, after being in physical therapy for a while, advised that he regained use of all but one of his arms.

Probationer advised that he was ready now to straighten out his life and now wanted to become a reproductive member of society.

She told the probation officer that her husband had died of hemorrhoids of the brain.

The defendant claimed he got multiple sclerosis because his wife screamed and yelled at him all the time.

A probationer reported that her brother worked in a factory which made the kind of planes that ejaculate the pilot.

She told the probation officer that what happened to her was no accident, but was done with predominant meditation.

The probationer told his probation officer that he worked devious hours on his job at the country club.

A police report coming to the probation department stated the following:  The suspect knocked on her window and told her she was leaking gas.

A defendant asked her officer for advice on the disillusionment of her marriage.

She stated her ex-husband was ear-dropping outside her window.

Defendant reports that her child’s father is using her as a pond to get her back.

One defendant’s hobbies were reported to be interior design and yogurt.

When asked if he had any outstanding debts, the probationer replied that none of his debts were really very outstanding, just the average run of the mill bills.

The probationer was so angry with her daughter for having another illegitimate child that she told her daughter to go to Planned Parenthood for a condominium so she wouldn’t have any more kids.

When asked what her husband did for a living, the probationer replied that he had been in cement for three years.

When asked about her health, the probationer replied that she had an in-grown liver from years of drinking.

Defendant’s statement of the offense on a car theft charge:  “I was walking down the street when I saw this lady standing next to her car and the hood was up.  I asked her if she was having car trouble and she said she was.  I offered to try and fix it, but told her I was broke and could use a little money for helping her.  She told me she didn’t have any money, but if I fixed her car, she would make it worth my while.  After I fixed the car, she asked me to step behind some bushes and she started taking off her pants.  I didn’t want her pants, so I took her car.”

After appearing in court on a new charge, the defendant told his probation officer that the judge has embolished the matter and what happened was just a case of temporary stupidness.

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