She’s back and still fascinated by the law…or the breaking of it. Crime may or may not pay, but dumb criminals are sure to provide some laughs. Miss Communication brings you tales of some less-than criminal genius.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With the bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes Officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 a.m., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. Frustrated, the man walked away.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Arizona: A company called “Guns For Hire” stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4 1/2 years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9,600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check. A forged check. He got 10 years.
Location unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery and pulled a Hefty bag mask over his head…and realized that he had forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank’s basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed “911” for help.
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in mud, so the two men decided the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up more walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator back into the house and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize they had locked the keys in the truck…so they abandoned it.
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled…leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the register? Fifteen dollars.