It’s always nice when we can use submissions from regular readers and Miss C. is happy for the time off from digging in the files for new material.
In that spirit of teamwork, here is a piece dedicated to the hardworking mechanics at UPS Airlines.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form called a “gripe sheet”, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Clearly, these mechanics possess a good sense of humor and a strong tongue-in-cheek.
From the actual maintenance complaints (P) and the solutions (S) recorded:
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on
For more head-scratching communication, try a few of these:
…and you can find more under the “Communication” category off to the right.