Jeffrey’s Laws


rainy bbqWe’ve all heard of Murphy’s Law (which swiftly expanded to Murphy’s Laws).  With my birthday BBQ only a week away, I thought it appropriate to share with you some of my own “laws” I’ve learned in my two big BBQ’s I throw each year (my birthday and Halloween).  Read on…

(Note for newbies, I live in South Florida)

  • It will be sunny and exceptionally hot and sweaty for the week preceding the BBQ (during which I am cleaning and setting up the patio).
  • And the corollary, it will begin raining precisely 12 minutes AFTER I have dragged the BBQ out into the (uncovered) back yard.
  • I will only need a paper towel if the roll is more than an arm’s length away.
  • I will only need oven mitts at the BBQ when I have left them in the kitchen.
  • Anything I am cooking in the oven or on the stove will be ready when I need to turn something on the grill.
  • No guest will arrive on time unless I am not ready yet.
  • Except for any time I am ready for guests, they will all arrive even later.
  • There will always be one can of sterno (used to keep food warm) that will not light.
  • The long-neck lighter will always go missing just before I want to light the sterno cans.
  • No matter how many times I point out the chest of ice, guests will always walk through the house to get ice from the refrigerator.
  • Whatever food I buy the most of will be the least requested that particular BBQ.
  • The amount of half-filled cups around the house and patio will be equal to 1.5 times the amount of actual people.
  • The amount of new stains on my (white) carpet will be equal to 10 percent of the amount of actual people.
  • The amount of time I spend with my guests in inversely related to how much they enjoy themselves.

And the most concrete law of all…

  • For the 24 hours after the BBQ ends, I will swear that these things are too much work to ever do again (This will be my 14th consecutive year).


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