I’m constantly in fear, that’s why I’m so calm

I'm constantly in fear, that's why I'm so calm - That's right, a lifetime of living in fear has more than adequately prepared me to stay calm during this once in a lifetime event.

I was never a Boy Scout, but I was always lazy, which amounts to much the same thing. No, no, stay with me. Laziness is next to preparedness. Honest! I can prove it by the fact that I’m constantly in fear and that’s why I’m so calm.

We have nothing to fear, certainly not laziness

Laziness is my friend. It’s not my middle name, but it could be. Laziness got me hired to my last job. Totally true. It goes like this.

Working in my second-to-last job, I received a call from a local company. They wanted me to come in for two job interviews.

Both of those things were surprises to me. I had never heard of the company that called and I wasn’t looking for a job. I didn’t even know anyone outside my family knew who I was (it was debatable anyone in the office did).

Since I wasn’t particularly motivated to get the job, I told the second person to interview me that I didn’t want to work hard. But, I wanted to move up the ladder quickly.

He was understandably puzzled and asked me how to reconcile those two apparently incontrovertible ideas. Simple, I replied. I want to move up the ladder quickly so I can retire early and not have to work anymore.

I suppose he didn’t believe me, because he hired me. Fifteen years in proving my point, but I still got out (well, okay, fired) before turning 50.

What the heck has any of that to do with laziness?

Ah, well, you caught me. I am being long-winded. I mean, I’ve got a bit of time on my hands these days. Come to think of it, don’t you? Then stop complaining about me offering you a distraction. Sheesh. I should change my name to Rodney.

Anyhoo, here’s what happened. I really don’t like to work hard, but I do want to do the best work I can. So, the only solution is to somehow make the job shorter.

And, for the next 15 years, that’s precisely what I did. Building macro-laden workbooks to swiftly produce financial statements, reports and forecasts. Shortening work processes throughout my departments. And on.

People in the office often wondered why I could walk around so aimlessly for a good part of the day. That’s just how much work I figured out how to automate. Laziness is my friend!

Constantly in fear at home

A byproduct of that mania to avoid tedium at work carried over into my home life. I must admit, I became a bit obsessed with efficiency.

While more tolerant than most on most worldly issues (bad drivers, stupid politicians, social media dopes), wastes of time and inefficient processes drive me batty.

But, my house should not be made of glass. So begins my effort to fight the fear in order to enhance my calm.

Staying calm amidst the fear

So, I figured out those things that really caused me angst in the home. Namely, stuff. Or, more precisely, running out of stuff.

Like, what to do when that last piece of foil was half the size I needed? And, darn if that toothpaste isn’t running low. And, is that one roll of toilet paper all I have?

So, I began making sure I always had backup. Two boxes of tin foil, saran, etc. Always a full package of Charmin when the last one was within 3 rolls. A second tube of toothpaste when I was beginning to roll up the previous one.

It began to really take off when I retired and started cooking more. Oh man, the couple of times I ran out of food or seasoning in the middle of a recipe. The names I called myself…gosh, cover your ears, children.

So, every spice container has a backup when it hits halfway. Same with sauces or marinades.

I’m constantly in fear, that’s why I’m so calm

So, yes, I’m constantly in fear of running out of things. That’s why I’m so calm now, because I’ve lived this extraordinary time of seclusion and preparation for decades.

I could digress into speculation of just what people must be eating to need more than two packages of toilet paper, but that’s maybe another blog post somewhere down the line.

For this one, I’m happy to say that I didn’t need to buy much more than perishable items (because my regular ones, you know, perished). As for the rest, well thanks to my living in constant fear, I am pretty calm right now.